For a majority of my clients, I am the only person they've ever told that they struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction. The center-most component of same-sex attract (unwanted or otherwise) is a deep shame of feeling inferior, thus the reluctance to tell anyone. What most people don't realize about same-sex attraction in general is that it is not a sexuality problem, it's an identity problem. The sexual "orientation" toward the same sex is a symptom of the identity problem, not the problem itself. We'll talk about that more deeply on another post.
In my career, I've made a number of observations, one of the most vital being that those with unwanted same-sex attraction are disconnected from understanding the experiences of men who do not have same-sex attraction, the men that clients often call "normal" or "straight". (Interestingly enough, those same clients never refer to themselves as "gay".)*
Clients who suffer with the burden of same-sex attraction experience what I call a "Perceived Masculinity Deficit," perceived because in reality they do have all the masculinity they need, it's just hidden under intense feelings of shame and inferiority. Every boy needs a man in his life who connects him with the masculinity that is already inside of him, who tells and shows him that he belongs in the masculine world with the rest of us. He needs a man who connects with him, guides him through difficult moments, lets him know that it's ok to feel scared, frustrated, feel like you're not enough. He needs a man won't duck his head and hide in the recliner away from his wife's scolding, or bury himself in long hours at work to avoid trouble, and who won't leave the boy to fend for himself against a mother who struggles to contain her own emotional problems.
Because he has likely never told a soul about his struggle with same-sex attraction (who would he tell?), he also has often never known what others with SSA experience. He believes himself largely alone, completely isolated from those like him and those he perceives are his masculine betters. Many have found it helpful when I explain the common experiences they have with other men who have SSA. They realize they're "not the only one." I've decided to create a list of those commonalities. While these experiences are commonly found in men who experience same-sex attraction, they are not universal, nor are they only experienced by men who have same-sex attraction, but by many men who don't. For example: Many men with same-sex attraction were put in piano lessons at an early age, yet there are also those who took piano lessons who never developed same-sex attraction. This is not a list of causes, but a list of common correlations.
Many men with unwanted same-sex attraction:
-played a sport in childhood, but was uncoordinated and inexperienced
-was criticized by another kid on the team for being too slow or not very good.
-were put in piano lessons at an early age, often at mom's behest, with a female teacher, and mostly girls in the classes and recitals, got attention and accolades mostly from mom and other women, a gynocentric environment.
-were either overweight or "skinny" compared to the other kids
-the dissatisfaction with their appearance overshadowed their superior performance in their field (sports, music)
-if they were successful in sports, it was usually swimming
-work in professions like accounting, where they calculate numbers and simply report what the numbers say. (Numbers are emotionless, require little guesswork, unlike the unpredictable family dynamics of their childhood home)
-report that in childhood they only played with girls, never with the boys
-report that it was their job to take care of mom's feelings, to make her feel better when she was sad, or to assuage her anger or protect her from anything that would make her angry.
-some report having had sexual encounters or "experimentation" at an early age. While these were unforced, and generally with kids around their same age, many clients report that they feel great shame and regret following these experiences. The clients report that they were the passive ones, and that the other kid, often slightly older, was the initiator and went on to live an openly gay lifestyle. A number of those "other kids" who went on to live the gay lifestyle were reported to have later committed suicide.
-were exposed to pornography at an early age
-some even reported stumbling upon pornographic magazines while playing in the woods (almost as if someone had left them there on purpose)
-a large minority (an estimated 33%) of the clients were sexually abused in childhood.
-many report that older men solicit them or hit on them in young adulthood
-that other kids asked him, "are you gay?" or called him "gay" or some other slur.
-that their fathers never had "the talk" with them about sex, they were just left to figure it out on their own.
-report that their fathers told them "I cried when you were born because I didn't know how to raise a son."
-felt their fathers didn't want them or were disinterested in them, or that "I was not the son he really wanted."
-were disinterested in dad's hobbies of hunting, fishing, or sports
-had an older brother who shared dad's hobbies
-had a grandfather (or two) who were alcoholics
-were "raised with a bunch of girls" and lacked male influences and buddies
-had parents who lacked friends and social networks
-were more intelligent than their fathers, leading to emotional disconnect between the two
-were more emotionally sensitive than their fathers
As I said, this is not a list of causes of same-sex attraction, just things that are reported by many men who suffer from same-sex attraction. This is also not an exhaustive list.
Also as I mentioned before, same-sex attraction is an identity disorder. Many of the items on this list are identity defining experiences, and some are identity-confusing experiences. Others are neutral, but are commonly experienced as significant events by many who have same-sex attraction. For example: for a boy who has a solid connection with his father, and has no question about his masculine identity, being called "gay" is answered with competing insults. Never does the boy even consider that "gay" accurately describes him, and he levels his own insults at the instigator.
What is the difference between the two sets of men, those who developed same-sex attraction, and those who didn't? Many clients experience frustration in these questions as though it was something they had control over or did incorrectly. The short answer was there was nothing the child could do to have affected the development of SSA. A child is almost entirely the product of his or her environment where same-sex attraction is concerned. There are inborn traits (e.g. more/less emotionally sensitive, athleticism, physical build), but even the strong and weak points of those traits can be enhanced or mitigated through relationships with caregivers and the addition of healthy same-sex peer relationships in childhood and adolescence.
Let's take some of the bullet points from above, for example, a boy who is more emotionally sensitive, more artistic or musical, not as interested in sports, or even had a bad experience with sports. A major, if not the #1 deciding factor in the long-term outcome of these events is a strong, salient father who is emotionally connected to his son and guides him through it, not only practically, but emotionally as well, and recognizes out loud through verbal affirmations and physical affection that he is "good enough" as he is, that he doesn't have to prove himself to be welcome in the world of men. Dad finds ways for he and his son to connect, dad steps outside of his comfort zone, outside of his interests, to enter into his son's life and his interests, not once, but as a regular, familiar participant, even if dad is not naturally drawn to it. Building the Notre Dame Cathedral required stone cutters, stone carriers, architects, stained glass artisans, stone carvers. It's likely correct to say that all were men. A stone-carrier dad must reach outside of himself to connect with his architect son, not to make him into a stone carrier, but to show him attention, affection, and affirmation for being himself and what God created for him to be.
That's the missing subtext to the whole thing. God created every man with his own abilities, interests, inspirations, made for specific work, and he created our sons, some of whom may be just like us, and some of whom may be very different from us. They are no less our sons. A father loving his son just because he exists, not because he performs a certain way, is the duty of a father and a necessity in order for the son to thrive.
A dad who takes a real interest in his son as the guide, not through manly tasks or activities, but accompanying him through the bumps and bruises of life, listening to him, empathizing, telling him he's proud of him, showing him physical affection through hugs, pats on the back, tousling his hair, teaching him how to punch the bully in the nose, telling him he's on the right path these are events and interactions that fortify a boy against many of the hardships he will encounter in life.
A very common occurrence reported widely by those with same-sex attraction, whether unwanted SSA, or living publicly the gay lifestyle, is that they were called "gay" or "fag" in childhood. What is missed is that a boy (or girl) who has an emotionally stable, respectful, non-manipulative, non-narcissistic, emotionally attentive family life has such a solid identity that if called a name like "gay" or "fag", the child would be ok. A boy from a family like this would probably shoot back with similar insult, or would ignore it completely. A girl might cry, but go home and tell her attentive parents who would empathize and help her to feel better. Because of the healthy family dynamic, that child has a strong sense of personal and group identity. He knows who he is, what he is, and that he belongs.
A child who develops same-sex attraction is lacking all of that, so when some kid at school says, "are you gay", or calls he or she a "fag", it's devastating because that child lacks the healthy family life as described above. Sure, it might be a Christian family that goes to church, but is the dad an active and emotionally connective dad? Mom in those situations is usually highly anxious or angry, often dismissive or domineering toward her husband, her emotions are the center of family life, the kids are responsible for her emotions or for making her feel better, doing things to keep her from getting angry. Dad's identity as a healthy man is fragile, mom's identity as a feminine woman is unstable at best, therefore the kid's identity as a strong and healthy sense of identity as a boy or girl is weak and faltering because the dad with a weak identity and mom with a weak identity produced a child with a weak identity.
As I said in the beginning, same-sex attraction is not a sexual disorder it's an identity disorder. A more specific description is (for men) it's a "perceived masculinity deficit," as in the man believes that he is lacking in masculinity, which is actually an illusion. It's just that no man reached into his heart and showed him the masculinity that already exists inside of him.
