Is healing from same-sex attraction even possible?
This is a question I get on a weekly basis. As an expert in the field of sexual and identity issues, I work with many men who express a desire to overcome same-sex attraction. Same-sex attraction is a symptom, so when someone says they want to overcome it, it is similar to going to the doctor saying you have a fever and want to get better. It is an adequate way of communicating desire, because it is the thing that is measureable. One can definitively say whether or not one has an attraction to members of the same sex.
Another word for it is "perceived masculinity deficit." Men with same sex attraction generally don't identify themselves as a normal man, but it's something deficient. Other men are "the other" and the man with SSA is not a "normal man" or "real man" in his own eyes. That is his perception, but it is not reality. He has all the masculinity he needs, it is simply unrealized because he lacked connection to a masculine pipeline, namely his father, and many times, his mother thought she could raise her son to be a better man than his father. A woman can't raise a boy to be a man.
Oddly enough, many of these boys experience a very close relationship with her mothers, but focuses primarily on satisfying the emotional needs of the mother, rather than on the emotional needs of the boy. She cuddles him, takes care of him, feeds him, clothe him, but the unspoken deal is that he can never leave, because his job is to take the place of her husband. These boys grow into men who suffer deep wounds of inferiority and a general avoidance toward women. Mom spoiled his sense of masculinity, what good will another woman do in his life? Ironically, most of these client report having fit in with the girls in childhood, but in adulthood are estranged from them and from their male peers. Social isolation is the rule.
What is the remedy?
In short? Getting in touch with the shame, pain, fear, and being authentic with it in the presence of another who validates your experience. Moving through the shame, getting acquainted with it, allowing it to be there as it lives its life span helps the same-sex attracted man heal from it. Interestingly enough, the same-sex attraction wanes as one embraces authenticity. The two cannot coexist because the same-sex attraction is a psychological condition that drives the mind to seek what it perceives it is lacking, namely masculinity. So we clear away the shame by being authentic with it, by letting go of it through breathing and visualization. The ultimate purpose isn't to get rid of the same-sex attraction, but to heal the deep feelings of inferioirity and inadequacy. The same-sex attraction disappears on its own, just as a fever when the infection is healed.
Do any of your clients actually overcome their same-sex attraction?
Many men do. The best predictors of success are a) financial stability and ability to pay for help; b) no alcohol or drug addictions; c) the client solidly decided that the gay lifestyle is not for him; d) has commitment to real transformation, not just wanting the pain to end.
Generally speaking, the clients who satisfy these criteria generally move pretty quickly. Younger clients who are of marrying age generally have forward momentum and often overcome their same-sex attraction completely within 6 to 12 months of weekly sessions. Clients beyond child-rearing age generally experience a diminished attraction to the same-sex, the shame is lessened, and they experience a sense of authenticity and peace that their attractions no longer occupy the center of their lives, and have a deeper experience of their own masculinity.
I could write for hours on this topic and on my professional experience, but the best information you will get is a free 10-minute video chat to see if the two of us working together will be a good fit. You will find that I am very approachable, optimistic, and have a youthful spirit. Please feel free to reach out. I look forward to hearing from you.