In Christian circles, accountability groups are a popular tool for working to overcome challenges to purity. The structure of the groups may vary, and a commonly found characteristic is choosing or assignment of accountability partners. Generally, accountability partners meet periodically (daily, weekly) to tell each other the details of their falls, the moments of weakness, the contributing factors, questions like "which part of the H.A.L.T. system were you? Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" Many men know this routine. The problem is, it's a poor method for success.
A world-renowned Marriage and Family Therapist, David Pickup, developed a concept called the "Shame Frame", which describes the effect of shame on the addict and diagrams the progression of acting out. A more detailed explanation of the Shame Frame will follow in a separate post. All you need to know for today is that shame is the engine that moves one to "acting out" (using pornography, masturbating, etc.). Basically, a person feels a sense of shame (inferiority/I'm not good enough), and becomes vulnerable to the temptation to act out. They person then acts out and feels shame for acting out, and also feels shame for experiencing the pleasure during acting out because using porn is not what they were made to do. Then the user calls the accountability partner to confess (more shame), and if the other members enjoy better success than this guy, that compounds the shame. Repeat the pattern, compound the shame. The other accountability partners put more pressure, or get frustrated themselves because nothing they say/do seems to be working to help this guy. It simply digs a deeper hole.
- Shame before that leads to acting out
- Shame after acting out
- Shame when calling accountability partner
- Shame when telling ac partner the details
- Shame at ac partner's reaction
- Shame if ac partner reacts unfavorably, is distracted, is in a rush, runs out of tools, expresses frustration, etc.
This is not a winning formula. What if your basketball, football, soccer coach took this approach with his players? He never said anything about the goals they scored, just the number of times they missed, all the conditions of missing, how let down the fans were for missing the goals, how they're disappointing God for missing all those goals. Would that turn them into a winning team or a losing team? A losing team for sure. These players would likely either switch to another team or quit the sport altogether! So why do we do this with overcoming sin?
B.F. Skinner was a psychologist focused on behavior. Yes, kindof like Pavlov's dog, but think simpler. Basic concept: Punish or ignore undesired behavior, reward desired behavior. What's the bad behavior? Using porn. Does punishing it work? It could if the punishment were severe enough to produce the desired outcome, and there are unintended consequences to punishment. The shame of accountability is not a strong enough "punishment". Flip it around, what is the desired behavior? Victory over temptation. Reward it. This can be done with even the weakest member of your group.
This is the time to revolutionize accountability groups. Focus on victory over temptation as the goal and reward it. "What gets measured gets done." A successful accountability group can count the number of falls, but don't make that the focus. Don't worry about details of the fall. "I fell 3 times this week," is a common opening line. Then immediately go to, "How many victories did you have? How many times did you overcome temptation?" Ask for details. What did you experience in the heat of the battle? What feelings arose? What thoughts? What major points did you score? What new successes in this particular victory? Then reward it by giving praise, showing that you are excited for the victorious one. Give thanks to God together for his hand in the victory. This is the sure path to success.